Saturday, June 14, 2008

Mr. Lateiner at Any Time

I went to New York this week at last. The lessons I received there were absolutely phenomenal. It's rare that someone can charge as much as Jacob Lateiner and not have to apologize for it.

On Thursday I found myself going up the elevator to his apartment shaking. We'd spoken over the phone about scheduling lessons before, but meeting someone so accomplished as a performer and instructor was altogether a new experience.

When I got to his door I felt sure I was going to vomit with nervousness, but he was waiting there for me with the door open, and he asked if I wouldn't mind going down to the front lobby to get his mail! I thought for sure he was joking but as he handed me his keys I realized he was quite serious. I returned and we began the lesson.

My first impression was that he worked very quickly and has an incredibly sharp mind. I played a Chopin Scherzo (Op. 31 in B-Flat Minor) and, as what tends to be the case, felt that it was the best I've ever played it, but we spent the remainder of the hour (probably 45 minutes) laboring over each and every bar he had noted. He asked for stricter tempi, more volume and control over quick passages, less volume in dolce sections but with earnest warning against losing the fullness of tone, softness of grace notes and less accents, which inhibited the smoothness of phrasing.

Each time he requested something I would try to play as he'd instructed, and then when he'd add the next part to learn I'd forget to play the way he'd first instructed me. Typical, of course, to working through any difficult work with a difficult teacher. At the very last bar, he'd instructed that the D-flat grace note chord be played soft but swiftly, so that the final chord (D-flat major, spread out in the lowest and highest octaves of the piano) resonated with strength. I kept trying to play the grace note softy but apparently was not doing so adequately. He would say, in his low and straightforward voice, "That's not soft." Then I'd try soft with every ounce of effort I could, and lose the sound, and he'd say, "Now there's no sound!" Eventually, throwing up his arms, he said, "Just forget it. We can't get stuck on this since you're not getting it now."

There were many moments like that, in which he would demand so much of me that I had to use everything I could to deliver what he wanted, and usually it wouldn't be nearly close to good enough. He would make sure I was fully aware of this, and I realized what that says about his teaching. I studied at Western with one of his former students, Tina Yanchus, who told me he was so detailed she sometimes just couldn't play to his satisfaction. He was/is so caught up with making good, technically solid, tasteful music and doesn't care how you sound in the lesson as long as you can demonstrate what he's looking for and are willing to practice it fastidiously. This leads me to believe he sees the pursuit of musical excellence as something that will always be a process. If you want to achieve excellence in it, you must always work toward it, all the while knowing there is always more that you can do to improve. I know from my lessons with him he is concerned with my playing well in the future, and never losing a strong technique at the instrument. He communicates this very sage message harshly and often to the point of being demeaning, but never personally - only musically. That is all he is concerned about - making music.

He smoked through the lessons, and at one point he asked me to stop playing, being so frustrated that he needed to light a new cigarette before I could keep playing. At several points he would start talking over me so I'd stop, but as it would turn out he would say, "Why did you stop, keep playing!" and apparently he'd just added little comments here and there. Then came the time I actually kept playing but he wanted to stop me and correct a serious flaw. All I heard was, "Hello....HELLO! .... JARRED! [I stopped playing] When I am talking, it means you don't play at the same time. That's how it works."

The best part of my last lesson was when I thanked him for his time and shook his hand, he invited me to come back any time I like and said, "I'd be happy to see you again." I thanked him very much and shook his hand, no doubt a hand that has played nearly every worthwhile piece there is to play, and he wished me all the best.

Challenges are often extremely inspiring. I know I will return to Jacob Lateiner as soon as I can, and in the meantime, if I could apply even half the knowledge he imparted to me in those hours, my skill at the piano will greatly increase. I don't plan on throwing away the notebook he wrote in - in fact, I'm sure he'll be writing in it again and hollering at me to play with more skill some time soon.

Thank you Mr. Lateiner!

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

TCard


I went to Robart's Library today to get my TCard (the U. of T. student card) and suddenly I realized that I am actually a student at U. of T. now. It's a really exciting thought. I love the city, the campus, the energy, the reputation of my faculty. Now I just hope I'm good enough to stay in the program!

And the first thing I did with my TCard is head to the Edward Johnson Building and swipe my card so I could get into a practice room. I just hope they have their pianos properly tuned come September.

Sunday, May 25, 2008

Random

I blogged about this on myspace once and I'm feeling it again - anyone out there who sometimes/often times tends to feel alone even when there's people all around? Like that empty feeling of nobody's paying any attention to you or cares that you're around, even though everything indicates that things are exactly the opposite?

I don't get paradoxes. Maybe I'm not supposed to.

Monday, May 19, 2008

1, 095 Days Later

I think it's time I wrote something about Will.

It's been three years since he passed away; in some ways it feels like yesterday and in others like it happened decades ago.

The first part I can explain quite easily. Although I have finally gotten to the place of accepting the reality of his death, I still find myself hoping; even wishing he was still alive. Then I catch myself and realize that's just selfishness. It's also that someone who had such a radical, life-altering impact, doesn't fade from my memory over time. I still remember his voice, laugh, facial expressions, our cell group meetings and countless hangouts, and I miss them all so much. I don't think I'll ever forget the feeling of true, genuine friendship and guidance. The days and months of his sickness are ingrained in my mind and I don't think they'll be leaving it anytime soon.

On the other hand I can think of how much of my life has changed in the past three years. One-thousand and ninety-five days is a lot more experience. Will fit my life perfectly eight years ago; he was a shooting-star leader and the most valuable friend I've ever had. Sometimes I wonder if anyone could be as friendly or virtuous, generous or caring as he.

Today as my parents and I were house-hunting downtown, I was thankful not to be at his grave. I can still barely handle standing at it. Others in my life have come and gone, but nobody's death has effected me as much as his. Sometimes it hurts so much I wonder how I bear it; an emptiness I feel.

That said, I love the redeeming quality in this experience. Sometimes I think that all I know about God has sprung from the things Will taught me. He really was fantastic at everything. Then I realize that he was God's gift to me in the first place. It was no easy thing to lose him, and it's still no easy thing to come to terms with. I don't think I'll ever "get over" it, but I will move on from it and in that I feel no disrespect to him. In fact, I know that he would want me to get a move on with my life and remember all the amazing times we shared. I have no idea when that will happen, but I plan on it happening. I plan on walking out of this grief a free man and able to tell other people about Will's life and his place in mine without feeling that twinge of pain.

Will, it was amazing to have you in my life and I have more to thank you for than I was able to. A best friend, a brother, a mentor, a leader - you basically fit every roll I was missing. I don't know how you wore so many hats.

I think what excites me about Heaven the most right now is seeing you again, and knowing that I won't have to say "goodbye" to you for the rest of time. And that is a far longer time than
1, 095 days, 1, 825, or any number I can fathom.

So it seems to me that forever is going to be fun.

Saturday, May 3, 2008

Moving In

So...to Andrew Gazaneo on the topic of moving back home from university...

Yes, you were right.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

No Doubt Anymore

Body identified

Autopsy confirms that a body found in the Rideau River is that of Nadia Kajouji

Neco Cockburn, The Ottawa Citizen

Published: Wednesday, April 23, 2008

OTTAWA - An autopsy has confirmed that a body found in the Rideau River is that of Nadia Kajouji, the 18-year-old Carleton University student who went missing on March 9, Ottawa police said Wednesday.

Police said preliminary autopsy results indicate that no foul play was involved in Ms. Kajouji's death.

The body was discovered near the edge of the Rideau River behind Saint Paul University on Sunday.

A recreational boater spotted it and called police at about 11:15 a.m.

Nadia Kajouji


I think I want to vomit it hurts so bad. I'm going to miss her a whole heck of a lot.

The funeral is Saturday with a viewing on Friday. Frankly I don't know what or how to prepare myself for this. My heart breaks for such a beautiful, promising young woman whose life was ahead of her, feeling lonely and depressed and needing to do something so drastic about it. Could Nadia - vibrant, spunky Nadia have actually done that? Heaven knows what she went through mentally/emotionally, that kind of isolation is an horrific state that I wish now she had reached out to one of us from within it.

I went to school with her at Harold Brathwaite, unfortunately though I was switched to Fletcher's Meadow (a nightmare, to be sure) but we hung out after that too and talked both online and on the phone. It was such a great friendship and I'll really miss it. I remember her sending me a message in early August, titled, "The Last Summer Before the Rest of Our Lives!" and she had asked me when we could hang out before going off to school. It didn't work out and now I really wish it had. I didn't know it really would be the last summer before the rest of her life.

It's seeming less unbelievable every time I read a new report and yet I want to cling to the way I knew her; how and what I knew of her. Strong, sensible and completely against this whole anti-depressant thing. She had so far to go and so much to do. So many more lives to change and touch. What a precious girl she was.

I for one, will always remember her.

Love to you, Nadia.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

For Nadia

I'll miss you my friend. I hope to God that you're with Him now, so that one day we meet again.

Until then, be at peace.

Love,
Jarred